


We're Worth It

by Gzmoii



Series: Worth the Wait (Series) [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky's mom died but that in itself doesn't have much emotional impact, Endgame James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:37:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8372512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gzmoii/pseuds/Gzmoii
Summary: Bucky ran his hands down his face. “I’ve been cheating on Sam.” He admitted. “And today, he dumped me.”
  
  
  
  “Good.” Bruce responded without hesitation. “I would’ve done worse.”
  
  
  
  “Bruce, I get it. I regret it so much.” Bucky looked over at his brother. “In case you couldn’t tell.”
  
  
  
  “Thing is, Buchanan, I honestly don’t think you do. Today was your four-year anniversary. And how long you been cheating?” Bruce took another drink.





	

**Author's Note:**

> An Alternate ending permashift convinced me to write.

Bucky was there, alright.

And so was Steve.

In bed. Together.

“Bucky?” Sam’s voice was desperate, begging the sight in front of him to not be real. The two of them were very obviously naked, and Sam covered his eyes. He didn’t want to see this. It hurt too much. This couldn’t be real.

“Sam, you’re here.” Bucky gave him a fake smile, and Steve looked at Bucky like he was insane. “I was thinking we could share him. You know, for our anniversary.” The contacts in Sam’s eyes burned as he began to tear up, and he turned around.

“Sam, wait one second. Don’t go Sam, it isn’t what it looks like.”

“How long has this been going on?” Sam’s voice was thick with tears.

“Sam, please,” Bucky tried. “Just listen to me, I can explain.”

“How long?” Sam said again.

“We’ve been sleeping together for almost a month now, but we’ve been seeing each other longer than that,” Steve answered the question Bucky wouldn’t.

“I can’t believe this. I knew it. I fucking knew it,” he said to himself, his hand resting on a chair. He gripped it tightly in both hands, picking it up and throwing it across the room. They both lunged toward the floor to avoid it. “It’s over, Barnes,” Sam said quietly. He had never felt so stupid and so humiliated in his entire life. “I hope you two are happy together.” He stormed out the room, slamming the door behind him.

He wished he had never met Bucky. He wished he had rejected him the very first time Bucky came up to him, awkward and blushing, during after-school activities in the chem lab.

Sam was full of so much regret. He gave Bucky everything and he just wished he hadn’t.

His first kiss.

His first time.

He’d lost all of that, for nothing. All it had done was lead up to this.

“Shit,” Bucky cursed, picking up the shattered remains of the vinyl record. “. . .I really liked this band,” he said quietly, although that had nothing to do with his disheartened expression.

Steve came up behind Bucky, wrapping his arms around him. “I’ll buy you a better copy of it, don’t worry,” he assured him. “Come back to bed and finish what you started. We’ll clean up later.”

Bucky let out a heavy sigh from somewhere deep in his chest, shaking his head pushing Steve’s arms off of him. “You should go.” he said, standing up. He gathered a pair of boxers and sweatpants out of his drawer, quickly pulling them on.

“Bucky, what are you doing?”

Bucky frowned, shaking his head. “This was a huge mistake. I have to go back for him. I’m sorry, Steve. Feel free to let yourself out.” Bucky pulled on a long sleeved V-neck, running out of the door after Sam.

He ran down to the front desk. “Have you seen Sam?” He asked. “He just left here.”

“I think he was heading to his cousin’s place.” The girl at the front door shrugged. “He looked upset.”

Bucky cursed under his breath, running out of the building. He saw Sam walking down the street, his head down and shoulders hunched low, and his heart broke to look at him. He was the cause of that. He did that to him. He ran towards him, grabbing ahold of Sam’s shoulders once he was close enough and turning him around.

“Sam, I’m sorry. Please listen to me. I can’t lose you.” Bucky panted. Sam tried to shove him away, but Bucky refused to budge. While Sam was strong, he was bigger and stronger.

“Too late.” Was Sam’s choked out reply. “You should’ve thought about losing me when decided to cheat on me. You made your choice a long time ago, and you didn’t choose me.” Sam looked down, tears flowing freely. He wouldn’t look at Bucky. He couldn’t. “That much is clear.”

“That—Steve—it was all a mistake. Please believe me, Sam. I love you. Only you.” Bucky’s voice was desperate, pleading. “The first day here, I told you that I wouldn’t be where I was if it weren’t for you loving me. I need you.”

“You’re such a liar.” Sam whispered. “A mistake is one time and maybe— _ maybe _ if it was just one time, I could’ve looked the other way. But over a month of seeing him, knowingly cheating on me and coming back like everything was okay? You may still love me, but I’m not sure if I can love who you’ve become.”

“Who I’ve become?” Bucky tried to look at Sam to get a read on him, but Sam wouldn’t let him. “I don’t understand what you mean. I’m the same Bucky.”

“You haven’t been him for a while now. Lying? Cheating? Making empty promises and just—just forgetting everything? I don’t know who you are anymore.” Sam wrenched himself out of Bucky’s grip, taking off in a run.

Sam was right.

About all of it. About everything. Bucky had allowed himself to become someone he didn’t even recognize.

Bucky sunk down to the ground, his head in his hands. The people who witnessed his and Sam’s spectacle whispered about them, shaking their head sadly.

_ “It’s really a shame, don’t you think?” _

_ “Wow, I can’t believe Bucky did that to Sam. They were so cute together back in high school, too.” _

_ “What a dirtbag. I’d say good on the black guy for dumping him.” _

Bucky took a deep breath, looking up when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “You okay, Buck?”

Bucky looked right at Rhodey’s smiling face and dark eyes, filled with nothing but concern for him.

_ No. _

He couldn’t do this. He’d couldn’t face Rhodey, not after what he’d done. “I have to go.” Bucky stood up abruptly. “I’m late. I’ll, uh, see you.” He mumbled, his head down.

He ran in a mad dash away from Rhodey and back to his room, relieved to see that Steve was already gone. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see him again anytime soon, or ever. Bucky pulled the sheets off his bed, running his fingers through his hair. “I’m such an idiot!” He shouted at empty air. He looked at the glass trinkets he’d collected from his dates with Steve and threw them at the wall, shattering every single one before sitting down amongst the broken glass. He didn’t care if it cut him. He’d already lost everything.

Bucky had to get Sam back. He had to prove to him that he was worth giving a chance. That he could be the guy Sam fell in love with, again.

* * *

 

Bucky had no one else to turn to. He knew he was wrong, and that no one in their right mind would even bothering listen to him, let alone help him try to get Sam back. It wasn’t like he deserved it, after he’d cheated on him.

How could he even do that?

Bucky hit himself in the forehead at the thought.  _ Because I’m an asshole. Because I got arrogant, and selfish. I forgot who I was. _

“Bucky? It’s you and Sam’s anniversary.” Bruce answered the phone, bewildered. “What’s going on?”

“I’m—” Bucky let out a long-suffering sigh. “I fucked up. Is anyone at your apartment with you?”

“No, but—”

“I’ll explain when I get there, okay? Just let it go for now. Please.” Bucky choked back a sob. “I’ll explain everything later, okay?”

“Okay.” Bruce agreed. “But you’re not going to leave a single detail out. For fuck’s sake, James. You’re crying.”

Bucky smiled bitterly. “Not yet.” He hung and hopped onto his motorcycle, driving to Bruce’s apartment in Brooklyn, where they both grew up. He knocked on the door, his hands trembling. He took a closer look, and it wasn’t just his hands. He was shaking from head to toe, and—were those sobs coming from him? He placed his hands on his face, and it came back wet. He was crying.

“Bucky?” Bruce opened up the door. “Come here, man. What the hell is up with you?” Bruce pulled Bucky into a hug, and despite the fact that Bucky was both taller and wider than his older brother, he let Bruce hug him the way he used to when Bucky was a little kid. Bruce led Bucky to his couch, rubbing his back gently as Bucky sobbed into his chest. “Let it out, man. Don’t fight it.” He didn’t ask Bucky to explain, not yet. All he knew was that something Bucky had done made him hurt, more than he’d ever hurt before. “Should I call Sam?” He asked, and that only made Bucky cry harder. He didn’t ask again.

After Bucky was finished crying, and he was wiping his red eyes, Bruce went into the kitchen and brought back two bottles of Redd’s. He gave one to Bucky and they opened their bottles, toasting before taking a large gulp.

“Explain.” Bruce said simply.

Bucky ran his hands down his face. “I’ve been cheating on Sam.” He admitted. “And today, he dumped me.”

“Good.” Bruce responded without hesitation. “I would’ve done worse.”

“Bruce, I get it. I regret it so much.” Bucky looked over at his brother. “In case you couldn’t tell.”

“Thing is, Buchanan, I honestly don’t think you do. Today was your four-year anniversary. And how long you been cheating?” Bruce took another drink.

“How’d you—?”

“If it was just one time, he would’ve taken you back. Written it off as just a stupid mistake. A moment of weakness, or some other bullshit that I would never believe.” Bruce licked his lips. “He loves you. So much that it makes him stupid.”

Bucky ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh my god, you’re right.” He breathed out. “I’ve been sleeping with someone else for a month now. Seeing them for longer.” He admitted.

“Oh?” Bruce’s eyebrows raised. “You’re lucky Sam is such a great guy. If a guy cheated on me, I’d kill him and whoever he cheated on me with. But if he  _ dared _ to do what you did, I’d cut off his dick. Killing him would be too nice.”

“Thanks for the kindness and support.” Bucky mumbled sarcastically.

“Don’t tell me you were stupid enough to think I would have even a lick of sympathy for you, after finding out what you did. You took all the love, all the trust that Sam gave you, and stomped it into the ground. Don’t tell me that you’re hurting over what you did. You don’t know what hurt is.”

Bucky finished off his bottle, getting up to grab another one. “I’m not drunk enough for this.” He went into Bruce’s fridge and got out his vodka, downing three shots before grabbing another bottle of Redd’s. This way, he could at least feel a little numb while Bruce went at him.

“So, you cheated on Sam. But you’re crying. Why?” Bruce asked him.

“Because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know how to be me without him. I don’t even know who ‘me’ is when he’s not here with me.”

“How about you start by getting your shit together, then.” Bruce suggested. “It’s not fair to Sam for you to rely on him like that. And if you lay that shit on him, Buck, I’ll kill you myself. No one can determine who you are, but you. Let’s start there. Maybe you should go to him, admit you’re messed up, apologize without making excuses because there is no excuse for what you did, and then go get some fucking help. You’re too much like mom, Bucky, and I refuse to let you end up like her.”

“Bruce, that is not gonna be me. I’m better. I can handle it.”

Bruce chuckled. “She told me that exact same thing, word for fucking word, when I was seven. And where is she now?”

“She’s dead.” Bucky answered. He looked at the bottle of vodka still in the kitchen. He wanted it. It was almost a physical ache, and Bruce set a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t do it. We’re talking about you getting help, okay? That is doing the exact opposite. Get Sam to forgive you, first. Knowing him, he can see that you weren’t acting like the man he knew. You find that man, then you think about earning Sam back. And if you come back to him, and he found someone else? You back off, because it’s just a consequence of the choice you made. It is in no way Sam’s burden to bear. But if he chooses to, well. . .” Bruce shrugged. “You let him in.”

“Okay.” Bucky stood up. “Mind if I crash in the guest room?”

“All yours. Get some sleep.” 

* * *

 

_ Thursday, 8:45am _

_ Sam, can we please talk? I know I don’t deserve for you to listen to anything I have to say, but I’m not trying to make excuses. I just want you to hear me out. _

Bucky held his breath and pressed send. He put his phone on vibrate instead of silent, eagerly awaiting Sam’s reply. He knew he’d know when Sam responded, but that didn’t stop him from checking his phone every five minutes while he was in class, anyway.

All day, while he was in class, Sam didn’t respond. His read receipts were on, so Bucky knew Sam had read the message, just not responded. At the end of the day, he sighed heavily when he’d still gotten no reply, disappointed but not surprised. He’d done this to himself.

When Bucky came back to the dorm room at the end of the day, he hadn’t been expecting to see Sam there, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. “You wanted to talk to me?”

Bucky nodded. “Do you want to sit?” He gestured to the chair Sam had thrown the day before.

Sam shook his head. “I’ll stand.”

Bucky nodded, and sat down instead. “I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m fucked up, Sam. Real bad. Lately, I don’t really know who I’ve been, and I know that’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth. I got a lot of shit I need to deal with, so I’ll start by telling you what I can. I’m sorry, Sam. Not just for what I did to you, but for lying and hiding everything else. I’ve got a drinking problem. I didn’t want you to find out and think bad about me, so I hid it from you. And I don’t really know how to be me right now, so there’s that.” He looked up at Sam.

“You never told me. I would have done all I could for you.” Sam frowned deeply. “But that doesn’t explain why you cheated on me.”

“I know you would’ve, Sam. I’m sorry. I should’ve.” Bucky wanted so badly to reach out and touch Sam, to kiss him. He dug his nails into his thigh, keeping himself in check. “I wasn’t right in the head when I did that. I’m still not right, so I’m gonna get some help. I just thought you should know.” Bucky stood up, ready to leave.

“Wait.” Sam’s voice stopped him. When Bucky saw him, he appeared to be shocked at his own outburst. “It’s your room too, Bu—˝Sam took a deep breath. He couldn’t bring himself to say Bucky’s name. “Barnes, stay. It’s your room, too. You pay tuition just like everyone else.”

Bucky nodded. “Okay. I’ll stay.” He went to his side of the room, laying down on his back. It didn’t feel right. Sam was supposed to be with him, laying down with his head on his chest. But he had to start somewhere.

* * *

 

Bucky went to counseling every day. After his classes, he would meet with his psychiatrist, a nice woman named Claire who he knew could keep secrets the moment he saw her, and he would talk. About everything. His mom, Sam, Steve, Bruce, Tony, and even the first guy Bucky had slept with. Between him and Claire, there were no secrets.

And he was doing well. Bucky had quit drinking cold turkey, and Bruce had done the same in a show of support. He’d forgotten which mental illness he was struggling with, but he took the medicine Claire prescribed without argument and every day, he felt just a little bit more like himself. He started to know exactly who Bucky Barnes was, with and without Sam Wilson.

And the entire time, Sam was right there. After a solid month of nothing but longing glances on both of their ends, they started speaking again. Sam had made the first move, asking Bucky how his therapy was going. From there, they would talk about anything. They would both sit down on Bucky’s bed and sometimes they would have movie marathons together, and sometimes they would argue about scientific theory, something they both loved. It felt right to be able to be next to Sam without feeling hurt rolling off of him in waves.

He didn’t talk to Steve anymore. He was a result of actions that were toxic to his own mental health, and Bucky decided he didn’t want that toxicity to affect his progress.

One day, both Bucky and Sam were sitting down on Sam’s bed.

“Sam?” Bucky asked.

Sam looked up. He was reading a book on adolescent behavior. Sam was considering going into teaching. “Hm?”

“Do you think if I can get my head on right, I’ll ever have another chance with you?”

Sam looked shocked by the question. He bit his lip. “I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still love you, but I need time. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to take you back.” He looked away. “That’s probably not what you wanted to hear.”

“You’re being honest. It’s okay.” Bucky reached for Sam’s hand and squeezed it. “I’ll keep trying to get better, and I’ll give you the time you need. If that day ever comes, you let me know.”

Sam nodded. “But it might not.”

“Just the possibility is enough for me.”

* * *

 

Bucky didn’t ask again. He didn’t push. He just waited patiently at Sam’s side as his friend for the next year.

He helped Sam get ready for blind dates that Rhodey had set Sam up with, and he waited in the dorm for Sam to come back afterwards.

Sometimes he didn’t. Bucky didn’t try to pretend it didn’t hurt. He accepted the pain, because it was his to bear. Maybe Sam would go out and find someone better than him. Even if that happened, Bucky would never stop loving Sam. But Sam just wasn’t his.

Not anymore.

Sam hadn’t left too long ago. He was going to wait for him to come back. Sometimes, if Sam had a bad date, they’d both get to talk about it. If it was a good date, Bucky got to listen to Sam and watch his entire face light up.

Bucky was grateful he’d never went on a second date with any of the guys, but he couldn’t help but wonder why. He looked up as the door opened.

“Hey.” Sam smiled sheepishly.

“You’re back early.” Bucky pointed out.

“I decided not to go. I don’t think I’m going on any more blind dates.” Sam shrugged his shoulders. “None of it feels right. I try to like the guys, but I always compare them to you, and they just can’t measure up.”

“What?”

Sam chuckled. “What I’m trying to say is, I think I’ve had enough time.” Sam walked forward, towards Bucky. He placed his hands on Bucky shoulders. “You wanted another chance? This is it.”

Bucky’s eyes were wide as he stared at Sam, barely comprehending.

Sam rolled his eyes and used one hand to cup Bucky’s cheek, kissing him gently.

Once Bucky’s brain came back online, he gripped Sam’s hips desperately and pulled him closer. “Sam. . .” He sighed out, feeling a hand tug at his shirt. He pulled it over his head, tossing it aside. “Sam,” He repeated as he pulled Sam on top of him, laying back on his bed. He ran his hands down Sam’s back, cupping his ass and squeezing. Sam moaned against his lips.

“I’ve missed you so much. You gotta promise me, Bucky. We’re it for each other.”

“Yes. I promise. I don’t ever want anyone else.” Bucky promised. Sam still seemed hesitant, and he stopped Bucky from kissing down his neck.

“What cologne was I wearing on our first date?”

Bucky smiled. “It wasn’t cologne.” He shook his head. “You were wearing No. 5 Chanel, a perfume. But after you got in the car, all I could smell on you was Tony’s shitty Drakkar Noir.”

Sam grinned down at Bucky. This was the man he knew. Little details, inconsequential things were his Bucky’s specialty. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Bucky pushed himself up for a soft, lingering kiss. He unbuttoned Sam’s jeans, kissing down his neck as he palmed him. Sam’s panties were blue, this time, and only partially lace. “Is it alright if I fuck you? I’ll use a condom, if you want.”

Sam shook his head. “I want to feel you.” He decided, moving off of Bucky to strip naked in front of him before he grabbed the lube and rejoined him on his bed. He laid next to Bucky, putting the lube in his hand and licking his lips. “Can you?”

Bucky nodded, coating his finger generously. He circled Sam’s hole with a slick finger before pushing it in. Sam shuddered at the touch, gripping Bucky’s bicep. “Oh my god, Bucky. . .” he moaned, his breath coming out in soft pants. He moved back on the fingers, urging Bucky to add another, and then another. Once Bucky was satisfied with prepping Sam, he slowly thrusted into him, kissing the tears out of Sam’s eyes.

“Am I hurting you?” He asked worriedly. Sam shook his head.

“I missed this so much.” He sobbed, pulling Bucky close. “Tell me what you used to, Bucky, please.” He begged.

“I’m gonna be good for you, Baby Doll.” Bucky whispered in Sam’s ear. “I’m gonna fuck you so good.” Sam nodded his encouragement, the tears still flowing freely, but the look in his eyes assured Bucky that he was fine. In his eyes, there was nothing but pure joy at having Bucky inside him once again.

Bucky smiled at Sam and pulled out slowly before pushing back in. He hadn’t been with anyone during the time he and Sam had been apart, and he was happy to belong to Sam once again. “I love you, Baby Doll, you’re so good.” He breathed, kissing Sam, and Sam sobbed against his lips. He was incoherent, but he felt good and he was happy, and that was all Bucky cared about. He pushed Sam’s knees up to his chest, interlocking their fingers as he fucked into him harder and faster. “You’re so tight. So perfect for me. Baby Doll, you gonna cum for me? I’m so close.”

Sam’s mouth fell open and he cried out Bucky’s name as he came, a shaking, sobbing mess under him.

Sam squeezed Sam’s hands as his orgasm ran through him, before he pulled out of him slowly and laid down next to Sam, holding him against his chest. He kissed Sam’s fingers. “I’ve decided.” He told him.

“What?” Sam mumbled, already half asleep.

“I’m going to marry you.”

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, that’s the plan. Someday.” He agreed, allowing himself to fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> [follow me on tumblr if you want!](https://nerdbbks.tumblr.com/)


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